Back to Basics

Tonight I read the scriptures! Yes when I say back to basics for me it is back to those basic and simple things that have always made the biggest difference.

So I am reading Alma chapter 2...somehow in my head I had decided that I would read 2 Nephi 2 thinking that the atonement and agency would be a good place for me to venture this night, a good place to start. Half way through the chapter I look up to the top left hand corner to discover I am actually in Alma...(it shows you how well my brain and spirit are functioning, it took me that long to register I wasn't in 2 Nephi!!!)

So as usual it is by no mistake for as I read about Amilici and his endeavour to rule over the people and make them subject to him it is interesting that I marked a part in verse 5 where it states that "...every man according to his mind..." they being the people of Nephi, not at this time all follows of God....but they thought...they didn't pray...they didn't see how they felt, no it states that they according to their MIND made a decision on whether they felt that Amilici was fit to be their King. The decision made by the majority was against it. Well with faith restored in the MINDS of the people whether followers of God or Alma (who was at the time the Chief Judge). So Amilici is not happy and has enough people who are willing to follow him and decide to make him their King anyway. So they go to war, the Nephites now smart enough as they are with their MINDS prepare for the attack and are strengthened by God in their righteousness to win the battle and defeat the Amilicites who do attack in great strength.

Therefore, all appears to be well due to sheer grit and determination; and of course the Lord on their side purely because they are good people. Unfortunately all is not well as the Amilicites soon unite with the Lamanites and with their great numbers decide to fight to take over the great city of Zarahemla. So the Nephites come and meet with this great army on the river Sidon and it doesn’t look good as by sheer numbers alone the Lamanite/Amilicite army is so great. But in verse 28 it says that "...the Nephites being strengthened by the hand of the Lord having prayed mightily to him that he would deliver them out of the hands of their enemy..." and as we know that whether we hear it or not the Lord always answers our prayers he did of course "...the Lord did hear their cries, and did strengthen them..."

Well they did defeat them and now I will tell you what I got from this story.

I started this journey the weight, my health and this "Becoming Melissa" thing because by the power of my MIND I knew something needed to change, I needed to get a different result in my life, therefore I needed to do something different. So I won the first battle, physically I can do this. I lost 17 kg in 8 weeks, and I guess like the Nephites I begun to feel a little like it was all too easy. However I did in the next 8 weeks I only conquer 9kg. Now this is good for sure, but those of you...(Bianca) know that the weight loss in this programme only slows down if you slow down...meaning I began to be complacent.
I also realise that this second battle, so to speak is more emotional and spiritual, I have mental blocks to getting below this weight. So like the Nephites now this is more than just physical preparation. I know I need to strengthen and really involve my Heavenly Father and my Saviour in this next part of my journey.

I really need to take this opportunity to share a large part of what makes me... me.... I have a knowledge of God. I live every day aware that He loves me...and not just me, He loves all of us as His children. I know He has a vested interest in me. Like any loving parent He cares about all the little and big details of my life. So as this has so long been a part of who I am, I need to make this more apparent in my Becoming Melissa.

Today I conclude with the statement that though I am Becoming.... I have actually always Been...eternal in nature and spirit...we have always existed.
As I have just returned from New Zealand were we enjoyed a fantastic family holiday..yes it was seriously one of the best holidays...I will sign off in NZ Style.

Arohanui (Big Love)
Melissa

Challenges

So the past few weeks ...months have been fraught with challenges...therefore my weight-loss has been slow!! It has still been a loss but it has been significantly slower as my commitment has been wavering...I guess you could say with 2okg's down I had the mind-set that I was on the downhill slide, but it still takes work!!

Ok so today is a new day and I am feeling strong again, back on my medication which I never should have gone off as quick as I did or without the proper assistance form like a doctor or something!

I do have something good for you though, it is my 14 week picture...prepare to be amazed if I do say so myself!! Ok so they look a bit like criminal photos and you are right I will get a really nice photo taken when I am at goal, but I promise to do the same criminal type as well.

You know when you are struggling there I have so much to say but today when I am feeling at peace...almost with life and just thinking of getting m house in order and actually being motivated to do so.....I just don't have much to say accept sorry to anyone who cares to read my little blog space. I do intend to not stay away so long and be more motivated to get my voice out in the world in a safe place...into the lives and hearts of my dear friends who think I am interesting enough to read about!!

P.S. Please keep writing I love reading about your lives!!

Liss XXOO

Guilt

What good does guilt ever do? We feel guilty for spending too much money; for eating too much food or just whatever food is deemed "BAD" (P.S. I hate the fact that people think food is good and bad, and talk about being naughty when you eat the "BAD" food....there are much worse things we can do than eat a lovely rich creamy dessert!!)
Or if we watch too much TV or say something bad about someone and they find out!!! I mean really how often does "Guilt" actually motivate us to do better??? Before you get carried away with a response, I pose you this...as women ... more particularly Mothers do we feel guilty about stuff, from yelling too loud or not cooking dinner or having the washing folded or not getting to cleaning the floors or smacking our kids or just plain doing the wrong thing!!!!!!

So does guilt actually motivate us to do better?

I would say no, guilt is a purely self indulgent emotion that we get bogged down in. I say self indulgent because it can allow us to justify being a victim!! And victims have their own pay off and that is that it isn't really their fault at all.

Ok so the whole point to this is that it is Godly Sorrow for actual "SIN" that allows us to move forward and desire better for ourselves. There is a huge difference in feeling guilty about making a choice that maybe wasn't so good for us; or for our children and actually sinning. Is it a sin to eat chocolate?? No; most certainly not. No more than it is to raise your voice in frustration at your kids!! We are not perfect beings therefore our actions will not always be perfect, but I would strongly argue that every mistake or choice we make that is not our best choice is a sin! Anybody who wishes to challenge me on this...please do!!
Guilt only has one Author, Satan...as for Godly Sorrow; there is only one source for that!!

That is my thought for the day...P.S. I am feeling very good!!

What Matters Most

I know it has been a while since I talked to you all but I feel it is important to commit to writing at least twice a week and to let you know how I am doing...kind of another way to be accountable.


So on that note I was having such a good day today until I decided to cook Butter Chicken for dinner.....I just had to taste it to see if the chicken was too tough....what I didn't need to do is taste it .... as much as I did...in the end when Adele was not interested at all in my Butter chicken of course I took three rather large spoonfuls with rice and sauce and I have to say it tasted divine!!!! However I am feeling the aftermath, 1) my gut feels heavy and 2) I feel the guilt of failing. So rip into me... come on I can hear some of you being a little too nice I don't need nice I need tough.


I do have a photo of my 4 week mark to show you...I lost 10.4 kg, 15cm around my waist and a total of 43cm all over.

So I begin my nest 4 weeks at 88.9kg, which means I reached my first my first reward an also enjoyed my pedicure today for breaking 90kg!!!!

I know it is hard to understand why I did what I did today with the Butter Chicken, I guess I just like to eat and cook yummy stuff. My conclusion is that I will not be cooking Butter Chicken for a while!!!

What I really wanted to share with you all tonight was a far more wonderful experience I had in my marriage this week. I was having one of those days when you question everything...who I a, what I am doing here and how can I do better....why do I seem to fail all the time, I honestly feel like I was a better parent when I started this than I ever am today, I had well let’s just say I felt like I was doing good with Adele and now with the both of them I just feel like I am drowning in my own self doubt and guilt. Ok so this brings me to my break down on Tuesday evening and a really sweet conversation we had together, I just spoke and my Husband just listened and reassured, he didn't try to fix he just listened. I have wanted to ask him for a Blessing and I know it has been a point of contention in our relationship for two reasons I guess, his doubt in how it works and also his feelings of pressure from me from how I have talked about blessing I have had in the past. Well I asked and without hesitation he did. It was a most beautiful and sweet experience. Ronnie and I have not shared a lot on a spiritual level for lots of reasons but I can honestly say it was one of the loveliest blessings and moments in our relationship. The blessing said some beautiful things, the one that stood out the most was that “…the hand of God would touch my brain to make it better…” ; it answered the pleadings of my heart at this time.

I have been focusing so much on the physical side of Becoming Melissa that the emotional and spiritual have been pushed to the background and I wanted you to know that it is important to me. No matter how healthy I am or how much energy I have, or how much I weigh I do know at the end of the day when I stand before my God.... it will be what kind of Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter and Friend I have been??? What kind of Saint I have been that really matters.

So the whole eating thing is just a part of my plan. I am recommitting to read my scriptures, to counsel more with the Lord where my parenting is concerned and to get to the temple.... a whole lot more than I am at the moment.

I want to finish tonight by sharing with you that which is most sacred to me and which burns within me at this time ....

I know that God lives...he is my Father and I look forward to the day I can return with honour to His loving arms to be embraced by Him....to be with Him and my loved ones...to go no more out!

Jeans

I woke up yesterday morning ... was feeling pretty tired and the weather was screaming to stay home.... all day and so was my weary body. However I had things to do, it was the end of the financial year and stuff needed to be paid!

So after a morning of ironing dishes and attending to my two lovely children it was actually time to shower!!! So I did… And then I went down stairs and I got my all the time only pair of jeans out of the dryer. I proceeded to dress and experienced the zipping up of my jeans with a greatness of ease. No excess fat to fight or contort so not to get pinched by the zip. Just straight up and out of the dryer even....oh my goodness instead of my clothes shrinking in the wash I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am feeling good, it has been not without challenge as you know but I am getting that excitement to mark my progress. I lost another 9cm this week, the most exciting was 2cm around my bust, I know most women might find that distressing...not me, a 14F is just not something I would ever get excited about. Bring on the D cup!!! I don't even care that I may have to fold them onto a C cup, anything is better than this. A good friend pointed out I could always get them filled up....this is true but actually choosing surgery is not something that I get excited about, just don't like it. I figure my husband will just have to deal with the..."let down" LOL and I am sure that won't be a problem!!

To all of my 4 followers I send my love...thank you for finding my little journey interesting enough to spend your precious time reading about!!!

Love ME

The Second Week Begins!!!!

Ok so last night I got to measure my progress and I have lost a total of 20.5cm around my body, The biggest loss is my waist....9cm!!!! %cm off my hips (the largest part of me) and only 2cm off my bust but it is all progress. I was pretty stoked at that. Towards the end of last week I was struggling, you may have guessed that if you read my last blog. But seeing the results last night it has definately been worth it.

We (my sweetheart and I) discussed with my four year old that Mama is doing a healthy eating plan and that it is to get my body smaller so that my back doesn't hurt and so Mama can have more energy, etc. Well she keeps looking at me and saying...

"Mama!! You are smaller! It is working!!"

Bless her sweet little heart, I am not sure if you can actually see a difference but it is very cute that she has an interest and that she wants to encourage me. She also asked me the other day while eating tiny teddies if they are healthy. My response was that eating them a little bit sometimes is healthy but not all the time!!

Well I am back to the grind. It has been almost a week since I had a whole day to focus on my home so I have lots to do!!

Love Melissa XXOO

The Truth Hurts

The most interesting thing to me this week has been the emotionally journey that has been unleashed by my not having the ability or distraction of eating. It is almost as if I feel exposed. In social settings I would hide in my food. Don't get me wrong I am not a shy person...in fact quite the opposite, but I have realised as much as food is my comfort in my quiet solitude, it has been my support when I am out and about. I guess like a drunk I would get my dutch courage through whatever I was eating. It may sound weird but in an odd way I think that has been my reality.

I like to feed people, I always say that I love food, but maybe that to is a crutch, something to hide behind. It makes sense really I mean when you see a good movie or read a good book you want to share that experience, that is me with food, I enjoy food sooo much that I want to share it. I do believe I am realising how much food has numbed so much of what I don't really want to feel. As Latter-day Saints I guess we do not have much of an opportunity to drown our sorrows with alcohol so food becomes our drug or choice. Well it has most certainly been mine.

My name is Melissa and I am a foodaholic!

How does one make that diagnosis?

Let me see I guess if you have an eating dissorder that would help with the diagnosis, sit there for a minute, I read something once that was a definition of an eating dissorder, I am going to find it, I love GOOGLE!!!

"Eating disorder" is when a person eats, or refuses to eat, in order to satisfy a psychic need and not a physical need.

That is a given there is definately an emotion rather than physical need for em to eat the amount of food I eat.

Ok so that is good yeah well now the definition of Addiction -

"Historically, addiction has been defined with regard solely to psychoactive substances (for example alcohol, tobacco and other drugs) which cross the blood.....

Many people, both psychology professionals and laymen, now feel that there should be accommodation made to include psychological dependency on ... [other] ... such things ... food, .... so these behaviors count as 'addictions' as well and cause guilt, shame, fear, hopelessness, failure, rejection, anxiety, or humiliation ..."

SO where I am going with this? My conclusion is that this is going to be way harder than I had ever thought. This "DIET" is totally exposing me on a whole new level. Even to the point that I am totally uncomfortable with calling it a diet, I refer to it as an eating programme but the fact of the matter is that it is a diet and I hate telling people that because I feel like I am crossing over to the side of society that says every one should look a certain way and if you don't then go on a diet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could just scream because I hate that attitude, I grew up with that belief system. My Mum was constantly telling me ...
"You should develop good eating habits now while you are young so you don't struggle like me"

Now when you read that you may get this mental picture of my Mum and that perhaps here is a woman who obviously struggles with her weight. Must be a large woman....well I am hear to tell you, not even close. She is beautiful, and everyone who meets her will always comment on what an attractive woman she is. She is not super skinny, but at most she has been a size 16. Probably accept for pregnancy I would say she has never weighed more then 80kg.

My issue is rebellion. Your parent says one thing and you get sick of hearing it, what do you do?? You run so far in the other direction. I eat what I want when I want. I won't be like you.

I refused to diet before I got married, because everybody else does. "I just want to loose 5 more kilos before my big day....before that holiday....before my cousin's wedding...before my school reunion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The whole truth and nothing but the truth.....I say that same thing to myself in my head and I hate myself for giving into the shallow truth that the world....that man has said is acceptable.

So is the issue really food? I think we all know the answer to that.

Day 5

Well it is Day 5 today and this is how my week has gone...

Tuesday (Day 1) Went to bed with a massive headache...no guessing it was sugar withdrawals!!! Had a terrible night sleep and headache was still there in the morning.

Wednesday (Day 2) So that lovely headache seemed to dissapate with a lovely egg and 95g of vegetables!! Of course a hefty drink of water always helps!!! Just feeling tired.

Thursday (Day 3) Ok so I am doing ok...a few little temptations yesterday...I am really enjoying the food I am eating but would like about three times the portion size...obviously my body is not used to eating from all the fat stores I have spent the last year investing in and prefers a much more instant approach to where the fuel comes from... yes I am feeling hungry but I know what I am eating is enough...I am just used to more than enough.

Friday (Day 4) I know I am not suppossed to hop on the scales but I can feel those lovely back rolls dissapearing already...so I have lost exactly 4kgs already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe it either and I know I have a long way to go but more than that I am feeling very in control.

I was driving in the car late yesterday and just felt so much lighter. I feel like I have been freed from bondage. I don't want to eat everythiong in sight, I am not suppressing my emotions like I normally would with food and I am not obsessed with what I could eat next!!! Although I have had little temptations along the way and my love for food hasn't really changed, I don't have to eat it!!!

Take Thursday night for example, I cooked Butter Chicken for dinner for the rest of the family. I love Butter Chicken, it was just out of a jar of course to satisfy my need to be preparing simple meals for others. However true to form I don't just serve it with rice. I made a yoghurt dressing with mint and grated zucchini, some cheesy tortillas toasted and cut into little triangle to go with it. I even plated it up with the rice in a nice mold and everything. I had a major light bulb moment realising that I can still enjoy food with out having to over indulge my body. I can still be a MASTER CHEF...(which I am) and not be so fat!!!!

So all of that really helps me out for what I was doing yesterday and today (Saturday-Day 5). It is my sister Kellie's 40th Birthday party today and as you know I am the Master Chef so I was asked to do the cake. For the first time ever I made a chocolate sponge cake...well two actually and they look perfect! I will however never taste them. I can honestly say I am Ok with that. I am also in charge of making little caramel tarts and this chocolate mousse that I love, with Hazelnut Prailine in it and I am OK with that. The cake will be put together with two layers of Raspberry's and cream and one layer of the Hazelnut Prailine Mousse, topped with a white chocolate Ganache. I know it sound amazing but you and I will never know just how good it will taste!!!!

So for the most part my first 4 days have been a total success. I will be in touch and let you know how my treck for freedom continues!!!!
Bring on that 90kg Pedicure!!!! Only 5.1 kgs to go!!!!!!

Day 1

This is me...for now anyway!!!

So I get on the scales this morning to weigh myself the morning of the first day on Dr Cohen's Lifestyle Programme and I knew I was bigger than when we went to China. However I was not prepared for what I saw. I had gone to China 94kg and the only goal I set for myself, was not to gain any weight while away. I didn't, I ate whatever was going and then with all the walking we did it just balanced itself out.

So then my plan when we got home was to get serious...LOL yeah whatever that means. So about 3 weeks after we returned I said to Ronnie (that's my husband) I really want to give this programme ago. There are a couple of reasons, first of all my overall health. Energy, weight, brain function, you see it is not just another diet, you are in affect beginning to treat the problem of obesity and everything that goes with that by using food as your medicine!!! I love that.

Ok so back to the scales...99.1kg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is not a bad thing however as it is just so motivating to move away from 100kg. I am officially the heaviest I have ever been not pregnant. So it would seem this is the perfect time for me to start on the road to better health and happiness.

So I am going to be tracking my progress with you and keeping a journal here to help me vent the good the bad and the ugly of the next 6 months. Firstly I am going to be marking down the milestones I will achieve and outline how I am going to reward myself. I will start with the 10kg losses or no I think I will celebrate the breaking of different barriers in tens, e.g. 90kgs, 80kgs, etc.

90kg - Pedicure
80kg - Buy yourself a gift (new earrings, shoes etc)
70kg - Buy a new church dress
62kg - AT GOAL - New jeans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok the other milestones I am going to celebrate is in picture form...so it will be its own reward.

First is fitting into this pair of jeans




Adele looked and saw we could make the letter "A" out of the jeans, so we took two pictures.

The next is fitting into one of my favourite dresses ever, I always felt great in this dress and just lovely the simple classic design.





Ok so my third and final will be a photo in those new jeans I purchase when I make goal....62kg!!!

Ok time to dedicate myslef to being a Mama!!

Over and out...

Monday

Isn't it always Monday we wait for to start something new...an exercise regime....an eating programme...reading a new book? Monday signifies the beginning of new things. Well it seems to have that effect as it is the beginning of the working week for most of us. Unless of course you are a parent to which the week neither begins nor ends.

Ok about Melissa, that is me. I was born 8 pounds 15 ounces on the 15th of December 1976. from the day we are born our weight bears some significance to the world and some judgement is formed on that basis! Whether it be our health or how amazing our Mother was in the natural delivery of such a sized baby. Of course that in and of itself is influenced by the size...or weight of our Mother. If she is large it is expected she may deliver easily a large baby, if she is tiny nobody can believe that such a huge baby came out of a little person...and if it did they must have needed some assistance. Well let me tell you that the size of your hips and even the weight of the baby has very little to do with how that baby comes out. For starters it is the width of the pelvis that makes the real difference in giving birth and that nobody can really tell by looking at you how that is going to work. I know tiny women who have delivered naturally 9 pound babies with ease. I myself at 100kg full term pregnant; babies weighing no more than 7 pound 2 ounces...well that little girl got stuck and though my whole life I have been told I have child bearing hips...that didn't help me even a little bit!!!! Baby number two, well first Son was only 6 pound 5 ounces, (yes I was once again 100kg) They had to cut him out two weeks early as I have a "funny" uterus and therefore my placenta decided to block the exit!!!



I am not quite sure where exactly I am going with this but my point is that as much as I try to run from society's obsession with weight, when I say run I mean ignore and do my very best to try to point out the fact that I don't give a rats....watch me eat what I want!!!! At the end of the day weight does matter. It effects my body immensely right now in its ability to function to its fullest and sometimes just sitting comfortably. I will argue to the death and have really strong opinions regarding the worth of a woman or man being equated to their weight. Where health is concerned it really does matter, physically and emotionally....well at least it does to me.

So my journey here in "Becoming Melissa" is heavily involved in my first big step and doing what I have spent my whole life rebelling against and taking part in a seriously strict weight loss programme or diet!!! I hate diets but the reality is that we all have a "DIET" whether it is ice-cream and fizzy drink or only organic produce or a vegetarian diet or even beer and peanuts! It is still a diet so my choice is to begin to change drastically my unhealthy out of control diet with a very healthy and controlled diet. Whilst I have always viewed this as restrictive I have recently had my mind opened to the fact that it is just like anything in our lives they may seem like we are missing out, sometimes the little things we can't have or do allow us o have something better when the time comes along to make a different choice....

For example I have for the most part chosen to eat pretty much whatever I felt like and at times it wasn't that I necessarily felt like eating the ice-cream in the freezer it was really like it was calling me to eat it, kind of like it was the destiny of the ice-cream to be consumed by me. However now I will choose to ignore the ice-cream...or better yet leave it at the supermarket so I cannot hear it calling me. It leaves it wide open for me to go on a massive shopping spree in Melbourne or just DFO or perhaps even back to China....and this time I will be able to actually fit into the clothes!!! More important than any of this is my desire to live more fully. I don't want to be the Mum that sits and watches her children running around or swimming or rolling around on the ground...I want to be the leader of that pack and I want them to be chasing me and competing with me in the swimming pool. I don't want to be an observer in the life of my family I WANT TO LIVE IT WITH THEM!!!!!!!

Today I start my blog and have the opportunity to share how like Jane.....I am Becoming Melissa. It may sound strange I am 33 years old and have lived a good life, I have accomplishments and triumphs. Yet I still feel like I haven't truly become Me.

I am going to write as if no one is reading and that may be the truth of it...perhaps sometimes or all of the time my entries or even my entire blog may go unread forever...However that would mean I have nothing of interest to say or that I have no friends...I have friends. I have some of the best and they have already showed an interest. Huh see I have friends.

I also have children and though this is my first entry it will probably be my shortest as they are awake so duty calls and this morning I happliy reply!!