Well this is my story of how I am "Becoming Melissa". I was racking my brain with what to call my blog and think the word journey and path are a little cliche, but that was what I wanted to write about...my story. So being the big Jane Austin fan that I am I decided to steal the idea for her movie they made, Becoming Jane.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Truth Hurts

The most interesting thing to me this week has been the emotionally journey that has been unleashed by my not having the ability or distraction of eating. It is almost as if I feel exposed. In social settings I would hide in my food. Don't get me wrong I am not a shy person...in fact quite the opposite, but I have realised as much as food is my comfort in my quiet solitude, it has been my support when I am out and about. I guess like a drunk I would get my dutch courage through whatever I was eating. It may sound weird but in an odd way I think that has been my reality.

I like to feed people, I always say that I love food, but maybe that to is a crutch, something to hide behind. It makes sense really I mean when you see a good movie or read a good book you want to share that experience, that is me with food, I enjoy food sooo much that I want to share it. I do believe I am realising how much food has numbed so much of what I don't really want to feel. As Latter-day Saints I guess we do not have much of an opportunity to drown our sorrows with alcohol so food becomes our drug or choice. Well it has most certainly been mine.

My name is Melissa and I am a foodaholic!

How does one make that diagnosis?

Let me see I guess if you have an eating dissorder that would help with the diagnosis, sit there for a minute, I read something once that was a definition of an eating dissorder, I am going to find it, I love GOOGLE!!!

"Eating disorder" is when a person eats, or refuses to eat, in order to satisfy a psychic need and not a physical need.

That is a given there is definately an emotion rather than physical need for em to eat the amount of food I eat.

Ok so that is good yeah well now the definition of Addiction -

"Historically, addiction has been defined with regard solely to psychoactive substances (for example alcohol, tobacco and other drugs) which cross the blood.....

Many people, both psychology professionals and laymen, now feel that there should be accommodation made to include psychological dependency on
... [other] ... such things ... food, .... so these behaviors count as 'addictions' as well and cause guilt, shame, fear, hopelessness, failure, rejection, anxiety, or humiliation ..."

SO where I am going with this? My conclusion is that this is going to be way harder than I had ever thought. This "DIET" is totally exposing me on a whole new level. Even to the point that I am totally uncomfortable with calling it a diet, I refer to it as an eating programme but the fact of the matter is that it is a diet and I hate telling people that because I feel like I am crossing over to the side of society that says every one should look a certain way and if you don't then go on a diet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could just scream because I hate that attitude, I grew up with that belief system. My Mum was constantly telling me ...
"You should develop good eating habits now while you are young so you don't struggle like me"

Now when you read that you may get this mental picture of my Mum and that perhaps here is a woman who obviously struggles with her weight. Must be a large woman....well I am hear to tell you, not even close. She is beautiful, and everyone who meets her will always comment on what an attractive woman she is. She is not super skinny, but at most she has been a size 16. Probably accept for pregnancy I would say she has never weighed more then 80kg.

My issue is rebellion. Your parent says one thing and you get sick of hearing it, what do you do?? You run so far in the other direction. I eat what I want when I want. I won't be like you.

I refused to diet before I got married, because everybody else does. "I just want to loose 5 more kilos before my big day....before that holiday....before my cousin's wedding...before my school reunion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The whole truth and nothing but the truth.....I say that same thing to myself in my head and I hate myself for giving into the shallow truth that the world....that man has said is acceptable.

So is the issue really food? I think we all know the answer to that.

No comments:

Post a Comment